“8 Big Time Bummers About Buying a New Phone” was originally published at Out of the Gutter
8. THAT’S HOW THEY GET YOU
You know how phones are stupid anyway? And the only reason you’d even get a new one is if you had to?
Or, I mean, basically the phone you’ve had for about ten years is still kind of working but the charger isn’t, and apparently they don’t make those chargers anymore, so you pretty much have to get a whole new phone.
Well, that’s how they get you.
7. THEY DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT DESTINY
While you’re waiting your turn in the phone store you’ll probably be feeling pretty ok for the first time that day because you’re looking at the assistant manager who’s the most beautiful maiden of all times.
And she’ll be waiting like destiny to help you, only sometimes, destiny is a big-time jerk and the next thing you know you’ll be standing across from some district manager twerp who has a look on his face like clenched butt cheeks.
6. DISTRICT MANAGERS ARE DICKS ALL OVER
You know when you’ve already done extensive research and you picked out the cheapest phone they have, but the corporate scumbag keeps trying to upsell you?
The thing is, you have to be like, “Hey, Amigo. Do I look like I have beaucoup bucks to spend on a phone? Unless insurance covers wear-and-tear, I literally only have enough for this fifty-dollar one with the forty-nine ninety-nine rebate.”
But he’ll keep telling you about “eight-point-oh something”, and “pixels,” and how the new one’s camera is “something-something.” He’s probably not even in sales, but he’ll keep looking at the assistant manager as if he is teaching her how to do her own job.
So you look into his face and go, “Please shut up and just sell me the phone I want.”
And he’s all, “I beg your pardon.” The beautiful assistant manager laughs kind of.
And you’ll be like, “Go beg your mom’s pardon, Ding-Dong.”
He goes, “Um?”
And the assistant manager laughs again.
Corporate moron dick looks at her like, “What are you laughing at?”
You’re all, “I think she’s laughing because I told you to shut up in front of a store full of people.”
And then a bunch of people laugh and the guy’s butt-cheek face gets way red.
5. SOMETHING KINESIOLOGISTS WOULD CALL FIST FIGHTING
Some people like your probation officer might tell you that just because you didn’t throw the first punch, it doesn’t mean you didn’t start the fist fight, but POs are probably just dumb because that’s exactly what it means.
If you encounter this, stick to your guns and go, “I didn’t provoke anyone, no matter what provoke means. All I did was keep calling him a moron in front of everyone and calling him a crybaby idiot until he took a swing at me. It’s not my fault he missed and I smashed a demo tablet over his head. These things happen.
4. WOMEN… AM I RIGHT, FELLAS?
After you end the district guy’s malevolent reign of terror, you’re feeling about a bazillion levels of coolness more than you did when you walked into the store. So you walk straight up to the beautiful assistant manager and go, “‘Sup mama?”
She’ll probably be so blown away by your courageous virtue and the devil-may-care way you forgot to brush your teeth that day, she won’t know what to say.
And in your head you’re like, Uh-oh. I’m in trouble. Because she’s more-or-less falling in love with you right there.
When she finally finds the words to express her majestic feelings she’ll be like, “Stay back, creep. I’m warning you.”
3. THEY HAVE LIBERAL POLICIES TOWARD PEPPER SPRAY
When the assistant manager tells you not to come any closer, you’re pretty sure she’s serious, so you just take one reassuring step closer to her and say, “It’s ok. He can’t hurt us anymore baby-boo,” but then out of nowhere it’ll get impossible to breathe or see anymore, and your whole entire face and chest start burning, and you’ll probably think, So this is what love feels like.
This is an easy mistake to make, but you will quickly discover that the assistant manager kind of pepper-sprayed you hardcore. Everyone in the store will start coughing and hacking because the almighty air conditioner just keeps circulating it around and around and around the cramped space.
2. THEY ULTIMATELY BETRAY YOUR TRUST
After they have to evacuate the store, people will be sneezing and choking in the parking lot, and even one old man might pass out like a wimp. Water bottles will probably get handed out and everyone will dump it straight at their own faces. Except the assistant manager. She’ll seem fine, but she whips out her phone and goes, “I’m calling my boyfriend.”
The betrayal will burn like a thousand pepper sprays to your heart and you’re pretty sure everyone there’s like, No way. How could she do this to him?
Also, since your face is still burning and nobody has given you water, you’ll have to run across the lot to the dollar store and drink a whole gallon of orange punch.
1. THE GOOD ONE ALWAYS GETS AWAY
You’ll be extra bummed because from across the lot you can see that nobody is at the phone store anymore, except the police, and you’re literally positive that you still had a shot with the assistant manager. It would’ve just taken a bit more of your classic wit and charm, but the good ones always get away.
It’s just as well because she’s already proven that her fiery love often ends with bodily harm, and you have to admit that you’re not quite ready for that kind of Hollywood, pepper-spray lifestyle.
Bright side? You won’t have to buy a new phone after all because there’s usually a charger at the dollar store that’ll fit your old one. And who cares if that charger only works for five-minute intervals before it gets so hot it becomes a fire hazard? At least you’re all set phone-wise.
Praise for “8 Big Time Bummers”
“So good!” — Bill Baber