“Guys don’t fall into The Gutter by making mundane purchases. But even a man at his depths may resort to buying a phone.” –OutoftheGutterOnline.com
“So good!” — Bill Baber
“8 Big Time Bummers About Buying a New Phone” is the fourth story in the Baby Idiots series, featuring our depth-less narrator at his best, or worst depending on your point of view. He doesn’t get what a top-10 list is supposed to be but that doesn’t stop him from trying to produce one… and 8 is enough no matter what his grandma says. See number six below.
“6. DISTRICT MANAGERS ARE DICKS ALL OVER
You know when you’ve already done extensive research and you picked out the cheapest phone they have, but the corporate scumbag keeps trying to upsell you?
The thing is, you have to be like, “Hey, Amigo. Do I look like I have beaucoup bucks to spend on a phone? Unless insurance covers wear-and-tear, I literally only have enough for this fifty-dollar one with the forty-nine ninety-nine rebate.”
But he’ll keep telling you about “eight-point-oh something”, and “pixels,” and how the new one’s camera is “something-something.” He’s not even in sales, but he’ll keep looking at the assistant manager as if he is teaching her how to do her own job.”